1:52 AM

I should be sleeping. And I will after this post.

Things are weird. It's like I can't trust what's around the corner. Lately, this has all been good stuff. I ride that good wave. And truthfully, I ask for it. Living for the present and turning constant corners is my lifestyle.

Though, it's starting to bring a bit of paranoia to me. I have a path with no end point. Where am I going? Living life in surprises is thrilling, and I believe it's how life was originally intended to be played out. Then people became self-centered. Worrying about themselves and their future. True, so valid. But when you have an ultimate goal, and your heart is set out to make it, why not follow where your heart takes you instead of your mind. After all, it's your HEART that has the goal, even if your mind doesn't know where its headed.

Now I'm believing there's more to turning corners than making it to your goal while still enjoying life. There's blocks that you can't see coming. It's something I never thought of, and while I still don't fear them, I'm afraid of walking into walls. I guess lately I don't trust myself enough. I need more trust in what I do and where I'm going.

But I keep ending up here, at 1:52 in the morning when I have an appointment I just found out a few hours ago is tomorrow at 8:15 AM. Why the fuck did I make an appointment at 8:15 AM? I'm behind on work, I don't even know what my work IS, and I'm still always drained. So I get by it by ignoring the hard draining feelings with stuff that I love.

That pushes me further into a hole cause those problems never get resolved, even though resolving them would push me further away from my goal. Not really, some would help me, but I have a here and now agenda. Once the Summer hits, my entire life will be here and now, so that will be perfect. Relaxing. Content.

As long as I get a good swim suit.

Go figs, Name.

So, after months and months of threatening to change my name every other week and never doing it, I have. I've decided, I'm sick of my introductions being misheard as my original name, and for being thought that I'm a boy because apparently, Jaycee is now a boy's name.

Well, I decided. Jaime Renee Wissner. I like it. If it were a sentence it would mean: I love you reborn at the bottom of a meadow. Which is rather picturesque. Also, hormones have all of a sudden started doing their stuff, in my eyes, as in a split second change, I LOVE the way I look completely. Could be my hair. Who knows.

I'll write more when something bigger and better pops up. :D

Why Hello

It's been a while. Only new things happening are that I'll be starting injectables next week. :D

I decided to make this post a list. Actually two lists. One is a list of the things that I should have realised about myself. The other is the list of struggles I should have noticed were life hindering. Things that if I had avoided, I could be living a more productive life now.

List 1 (this is all on the spot, not planned xD Let's see how this goes):

• I looooooved picking flowers. Holy shit, did that seem gay at the time. I loved getting all the flowers I could, and my mom is a gardener, so flowers were always all around me xD. My most vivid memory as a kid was in the summer. Somehow, I had gotten up extremely early. I walked out the back door. I was maybe 8. The world was beautiful. There was a mist of the dew from a fresh summer night. The sun shined through the mist, and it sparkled. I rolled in the grass. In the HUGE backyard. Counting every flower, and extending every moment. That morning went on forever. A true movie scene in my eyes. The summers aren't the same as the beauty that they were when I was younger and didn't worry about a society around me, nor myself and my identity. I had the world around me. A beautiful world where I didn't need to think or worry about myself to be a part of it.
• Whenever I believed that girls were doing something, I would try and do it too. When I was younger, still in elementary school, I remembered noticing girls in my school back in Brooklyn, and even then that were, though I didn't realise this, wearing booty shorts. I assumed as I looked at them that they weren't wearing pants, and just wearing long shirts. One day while my grandma Ann, RIP, was staying over, I happened to be playing out back and I ran to my room to get the BIGGEST shirt I had, and ran around pantsless. Grandma came out and found me, and I explained what I was doing. She said "I know, darling. It looks that way sometimes, no? I understand, but lets go get some pants on, alright?" I never realised until now that she knew. She knew well before me. I loved her so much, and I was with her to the day she died. She never treated me like a boy. Only treated me how I wanted to be treated. Every time I visited her, she had a new Hess truck, or helicopter or spaceship to give me. She knew I loved them, and she knew I also took the barbies my mom kept and added them into truck playtime. Eventually, she stopped buying me the trucks, when I grew older. At that point, she always dressed the guest bed I slept in at her house with flower sheets. She said they were the only ones she had, but I knew what was in the closets.
• I had a fascination with vaginas. Not sexually, and I knew it. They just intrigued me so much. Even then, sometimes in my dreams whenever a section popped up where I was changing, or going to the bathroom (yes, in my dream) or the such, I always had a vagina. After I started noticing that in my dreams, I stopped peeing standing up. When I was 13, I forced myself to. Partly because I was fighting something in me, partly for the convenience.
• I HAD to wear a shirt. Always. Even in the pool. I felt exposed, and I always thought it was my concave chest, but I should have realised it was because I felt there was a defect in the region, and it was under repair.
• I HATED body hair. I've always found it gross. At 11, I started shaving my legs. Shortly after, armpits. Eventually, even my arm hair bothered me. Shaved it all. I've been doing so ever since.
• When my voice started dropping, I did everything I could to stop it from doing so. I joined chorus as a very versatile baritone, but I made it my mental goal to move up to tenor. Eventually I stopped talking. I only made noises to communicate. People thought I was weird, cause I enjoyed making noises so much I pretended I was a dog. I guess the recent jokes I've been making about me being MtPuppy have some background o.O I should look into this.
• In fifth grade I ripped my papers from the top when I got them back to get rid of my name. I told my parents it was because I always thought the mark was too low. When they found out I was even doing it with 100s, they kind of gave up thinking about it and ignored it.
• I was so intent to become incredible at math when I heard girls are better at math than boys. I studied all the time, and now math is so easy, but I'm so sick of it. I haven't taken it in 2 years. xD
• I always thought boxers were weird to wear as underwear, so I wore them as pjs. By 7th grade, wearing boxer briefs and briefs started making me more aware of what I have down there. I switched completely to boxers, and blamed it on peer pressure and comfort.
• I needed diaries. Not journals. I believe it was my aunt that gave me this fuzzy multicolored diary with key. I loved it, I still have it back home. I brought it to elementary school, and when people called it a journal, I corrected them and called it a diary.
• When facial hair started coming in, I used to wake up with a bloody face. I never understood it. One morning I realised it was because I was scratching my face to pieces in my sleep. I absolutely refused to shave until I was made to in ROTC. I hated the thought of doing icky boy maintenance, but once I got a smooth face, I became obsessed with shaving. 
• If you don't mind the vulgarity (if you do, skip this one), when I realised "self-pleasure" I developed my own way about it. My way involved minimal contact with the organ, and no sight of it. I never thought of it being there in the process.
• I loved books in the girl's section of book fairs. Even then, I understood it looked odd. I felt so out of place, but I loved what they had. I was once forced to buy some posters of cars when I was to embarrassed to get what I really wanted.
• I loved the idea of being a mom. I had a cut out baby with all paper accessories, and it took up the majority of my nights for a while. Then I discovered BUILD A BEAR. It was a fucking dream. I got the most baby looking bear they had, and I loved that thing to bits.

Now for the not so fun things:

• When I realised knives could be used to harm yourself, I started stealing them from the silverware and hid them in a green paper case. The case still exists, behind my dresser.
• I developed ways to scare people away, cause I didn't want to be forced into social situations where I'd play an uncomfortable role. When my weirdness stopped working, I made something new. I wanted everyone to hate me and for me to be alone.
• I always came up with reasons to leave class to go to the nurse. Often trying to go home and escape whatever gender binary lesson we had for the day.
• In middle school, I stopped eating. My lunches consisted of a chocolate milk and a 3 musketeers. My mom started packing me lunch. I would eat it in the bathroom. I still was eating lunch in the bathroom often into high school.
• At 14, I started smoking. I joined the punk crowd, where nobody had a label. I was with people with no gender binary. I started shoplifting, and became anarchaic. I was a declared atheist at this time, believing no God could leave me with struggles this way.
• At 15, I started cutting myself. One day, I took an american flag pin on my dresser and attempted to use it to cut my wrist. I failed. Shortly after, I stole a switchblade knife from a family friend's house and cut myself for the first time in the bathroom. After 15 minutes, I cleaned my arm and put on the fishnet gloves me and Ace wore together. It continued on to a time in my Junior year of HS when I passed out in the hallways and administration thought I might be high, so they had me take a drug test. In the doctor's office, while he was gone for a  rather long time, I started rummaging the drawers til I found the scalpels. I took one and brought it home. It laid unused for a long time, before I cut myself the first time with it. It cut deep. I hadn't thought that a scalpel was MADE to cut deep, so I didn't need much pressure. I told my parents I hit my bed railing, and while they should have taken me to ER, they didn't. I'll have this scar forever.
• Also at 15, I gave my parents my first declaration of future suicide. I told them I was suicidal and that I would kill myself. Rather violently. They yelled at me for saying that. I cried in my room for hours.
• October 23, 2007. My first suicide attempt. Started gulping down aspirin, one by one, followed by going down to the dining room, grabbing alcohol and downing the final pills with it. I told my best friend at the time. My first best friend. I told her I was sorry. She called my mom, and my mom came down and asked me what I had done. I was brought to the ER, and had to drink charcoal. It tasted like chocolate.

My point is made. Shit happens. Now, I am 5 months HRT, in a beautiful transition, and very much alive. I'm still depressed as crap, but so is the rest of the quiet world. These are my confessions. My truths. My essence. They give you a glimpse into me, and the confines of my heart and soul. Use this wisely.

*cricket*

Yes, I've been quiet. But it's for good reason.

I'm writing an album :P It's starting to consume me. Everything else has been crap, but I'm having fun with this.

Oh, yeah. I accidentally set Wendy's on fire. Fun times. I'll be looking for a new job soon.

So basically, keep on watching HugzTiem. My first song is up there, and there will be a new one tonight. And another tomorrow... And another the next day :D

Until I run out, basically. Awesome. I'm out. Love ya'll<3

Short little blurb?

I'm ditching the foams for today. Going back to my old set up. Just to see how it is. I think I can feel more comfortable now, even with smaller boobs. Besides, I already look like a dyke. It all works out.

I love how comfortable I'm getting in my body. This is all gonna be good

Breakfast!

I actually had it today lol. I was actually able to get up early enough for breakfast with Maria. Then we picked up juice for... experiments. Tasty tasty experiments.

This class is so pointless. We're learning about triplets. What the fuck. I'm a drummer. I don't need this.

I fell asleep to Doc Who last night. It was awesome.

I was on the bus this morning, and sitting with Maria, the whole bus got to hear about my advanced binding techniques. Your welcome, EE.

I hate my voice. It's my worst aspect of myself right now.

Oh, court yesterday. I was a smart ass and they weren't expecting it. It was great. They thought I was a bio girl and said "You know drugs can affect your menstrual cycle, right?" I said "If drugs can GIVE me a menstrual cycle, you will see me again VERY soon."

And I have to do 6 weeks of group drug therapy. It's going to be so pointless.

So, Demi Semi tomorrow. It's perfect since Ethan will be here. Then we'll go to a Thursday party, and he'll sleep over. I'll conveniently forget to mention I only have one bed. Hehe.

I'm so sad! Transgirldiaries.com is broken. Suck suck sucksucksucksucskjcusjcksajKLDSFKLADSKLFJADS. Silly caps lock.

I need to get it on.

I just took

the most incredible shower. It was mystical, and rather refreshing.

I haven't been sleeping well. It's hard to stay awake. I wonder if it's about my lack of E... Well, now my days til prescription day match the number of pills I have, so I guys I'll start 2 mg a day. A big step back, but it's only a two weeks. It looks like injectables are out of the question because there's no generic for it. Suuuuuuck. It would be awesome to have to only worry about hormones every two weeks. It's so hard to keep track of pills. I'm getting closer to days when I won't be using the foamies any more. I don't care that I'm really tiny. I think I'll feel better once I'm more myself.

I can't wait til She's A Boy I Knew comes in. I wanna watch it so bad. I might stream it tonight. It's hard to wait. Then I'll use the DVD for Section. Yes, my section is going to be watching the movie :D Actually, I think I will. Streamin sounds like a good idea, even if it IS more money. It'll keep me entertained for the evening. I might get some brower, buy the stream while I'm eating, then return to the room and watch. Maybe watch with someone if anyone's around.

Sounds about right. I love how far life is going for me.