1:52 AM

I should be sleeping. And I will after this post.

Things are weird. It's like I can't trust what's around the corner. Lately, this has all been good stuff. I ride that good wave. And truthfully, I ask for it. Living for the present and turning constant corners is my lifestyle.

Though, it's starting to bring a bit of paranoia to me. I have a path with no end point. Where am I going? Living life in surprises is thrilling, and I believe it's how life was originally intended to be played out. Then people became self-centered. Worrying about themselves and their future. True, so valid. But when you have an ultimate goal, and your heart is set out to make it, why not follow where your heart takes you instead of your mind. After all, it's your HEART that has the goal, even if your mind doesn't know where its headed.

Now I'm believing there's more to turning corners than making it to your goal while still enjoying life. There's blocks that you can't see coming. It's something I never thought of, and while I still don't fear them, I'm afraid of walking into walls. I guess lately I don't trust myself enough. I need more trust in what I do and where I'm going.

But I keep ending up here, at 1:52 in the morning when I have an appointment I just found out a few hours ago is tomorrow at 8:15 AM. Why the fuck did I make an appointment at 8:15 AM? I'm behind on work, I don't even know what my work IS, and I'm still always drained. So I get by it by ignoring the hard draining feelings with stuff that I love.

That pushes me further into a hole cause those problems never get resolved, even though resolving them would push me further away from my goal. Not really, some would help me, but I have a here and now agenda. Once the Summer hits, my entire life will be here and now, so that will be perfect. Relaxing. Content.

As long as I get a good swim suit.