1:52 AM

I should be sleeping. And I will after this post.

Things are weird. It's like I can't trust what's around the corner. Lately, this has all been good stuff. I ride that good wave. And truthfully, I ask for it. Living for the present and turning constant corners is my lifestyle.

Though, it's starting to bring a bit of paranoia to me. I have a path with no end point. Where am I going? Living life in surprises is thrilling, and I believe it's how life was originally intended to be played out. Then people became self-centered. Worrying about themselves and their future. True, so valid. But when you have an ultimate goal, and your heart is set out to make it, why not follow where your heart takes you instead of your mind. After all, it's your HEART that has the goal, even if your mind doesn't know where its headed.

Now I'm believing there's more to turning corners than making it to your goal while still enjoying life. There's blocks that you can't see coming. It's something I never thought of, and while I still don't fear them, I'm afraid of walking into walls. I guess lately I don't trust myself enough. I need more trust in what I do and where I'm going.

But I keep ending up here, at 1:52 in the morning when I have an appointment I just found out a few hours ago is tomorrow at 8:15 AM. Why the fuck did I make an appointment at 8:15 AM? I'm behind on work, I don't even know what my work IS, and I'm still always drained. So I get by it by ignoring the hard draining feelings with stuff that I love.

That pushes me further into a hole cause those problems never get resolved, even though resolving them would push me further away from my goal. Not really, some would help me, but I have a here and now agenda. Once the Summer hits, my entire life will be here and now, so that will be perfect. Relaxing. Content.

As long as I get a good swim suit.

Go figs, Name.

So, after months and months of threatening to change my name every other week and never doing it, I have. I've decided, I'm sick of my introductions being misheard as my original name, and for being thought that I'm a boy because apparently, Jaycee is now a boy's name.

Well, I decided. Jaime Renee Wissner. I like it. If it were a sentence it would mean: I love you reborn at the bottom of a meadow. Which is rather picturesque. Also, hormones have all of a sudden started doing their stuff, in my eyes, as in a split second change, I LOVE the way I look completely. Could be my hair. Who knows.

I'll write more when something bigger and better pops up. :D

Why Hello

It's been a while. Only new things happening are that I'll be starting injectables next week. :D

I decided to make this post a list. Actually two lists. One is a list of the things that I should have realised about myself. The other is the list of struggles I should have noticed were life hindering. Things that if I had avoided, I could be living a more productive life now.

List 1 (this is all on the spot, not planned xD Let's see how this goes):

• I looooooved picking flowers. Holy shit, did that seem gay at the time. I loved getting all the flowers I could, and my mom is a gardener, so flowers were always all around me xD. My most vivid memory as a kid was in the summer. Somehow, I had gotten up extremely early. I walked out the back door. I was maybe 8. The world was beautiful. There was a mist of the dew from a fresh summer night. The sun shined through the mist, and it sparkled. I rolled in the grass. In the HUGE backyard. Counting every flower, and extending every moment. That morning went on forever. A true movie scene in my eyes. The summers aren't the same as the beauty that they were when I was younger and didn't worry about a society around me, nor myself and my identity. I had the world around me. A beautiful world where I didn't need to think or worry about myself to be a part of it.
• Whenever I believed that girls were doing something, I would try and do it too. When I was younger, still in elementary school, I remembered noticing girls in my school back in Brooklyn, and even then that were, though I didn't realise this, wearing booty shorts. I assumed as I looked at them that they weren't wearing pants, and just wearing long shirts. One day while my grandma Ann, RIP, was staying over, I happened to be playing out back and I ran to my room to get the BIGGEST shirt I had, and ran around pantsless. Grandma came out and found me, and I explained what I was doing. She said "I know, darling. It looks that way sometimes, no? I understand, but lets go get some pants on, alright?" I never realised until now that she knew. She knew well before me. I loved her so much, and I was with her to the day she died. She never treated me like a boy. Only treated me how I wanted to be treated. Every time I visited her, she had a new Hess truck, or helicopter or spaceship to give me. She knew I loved them, and she knew I also took the barbies my mom kept and added them into truck playtime. Eventually, she stopped buying me the trucks, when I grew older. At that point, she always dressed the guest bed I slept in at her house with flower sheets. She said they were the only ones she had, but I knew what was in the closets.
• I had a fascination with vaginas. Not sexually, and I knew it. They just intrigued me so much. Even then, sometimes in my dreams whenever a section popped up where I was changing, or going to the bathroom (yes, in my dream) or the such, I always had a vagina. After I started noticing that in my dreams, I stopped peeing standing up. When I was 13, I forced myself to. Partly because I was fighting something in me, partly for the convenience.
• I HAD to wear a shirt. Always. Even in the pool. I felt exposed, and I always thought it was my concave chest, but I should have realised it was because I felt there was a defect in the region, and it was under repair.
• I HATED body hair. I've always found it gross. At 11, I started shaving my legs. Shortly after, armpits. Eventually, even my arm hair bothered me. Shaved it all. I've been doing so ever since.
• When my voice started dropping, I did everything I could to stop it from doing so. I joined chorus as a very versatile baritone, but I made it my mental goal to move up to tenor. Eventually I stopped talking. I only made noises to communicate. People thought I was weird, cause I enjoyed making noises so much I pretended I was a dog. I guess the recent jokes I've been making about me being MtPuppy have some background o.O I should look into this.
• In fifth grade I ripped my papers from the top when I got them back to get rid of my name. I told my parents it was because I always thought the mark was too low. When they found out I was even doing it with 100s, they kind of gave up thinking about it and ignored it.
• I was so intent to become incredible at math when I heard girls are better at math than boys. I studied all the time, and now math is so easy, but I'm so sick of it. I haven't taken it in 2 years. xD
• I always thought boxers were weird to wear as underwear, so I wore them as pjs. By 7th grade, wearing boxer briefs and briefs started making me more aware of what I have down there. I switched completely to boxers, and blamed it on peer pressure and comfort.
• I needed diaries. Not journals. I believe it was my aunt that gave me this fuzzy multicolored diary with key. I loved it, I still have it back home. I brought it to elementary school, and when people called it a journal, I corrected them and called it a diary.
• When facial hair started coming in, I used to wake up with a bloody face. I never understood it. One morning I realised it was because I was scratching my face to pieces in my sleep. I absolutely refused to shave until I was made to in ROTC. I hated the thought of doing icky boy maintenance, but once I got a smooth face, I became obsessed with shaving. 
• If you don't mind the vulgarity (if you do, skip this one), when I realised "self-pleasure" I developed my own way about it. My way involved minimal contact with the organ, and no sight of it. I never thought of it being there in the process.
• I loved books in the girl's section of book fairs. Even then, I understood it looked odd. I felt so out of place, but I loved what they had. I was once forced to buy some posters of cars when I was to embarrassed to get what I really wanted.
• I loved the idea of being a mom. I had a cut out baby with all paper accessories, and it took up the majority of my nights for a while. Then I discovered BUILD A BEAR. It was a fucking dream. I got the most baby looking bear they had, and I loved that thing to bits.

Now for the not so fun things:

• When I realised knives could be used to harm yourself, I started stealing them from the silverware and hid them in a green paper case. The case still exists, behind my dresser.
• I developed ways to scare people away, cause I didn't want to be forced into social situations where I'd play an uncomfortable role. When my weirdness stopped working, I made something new. I wanted everyone to hate me and for me to be alone.
• I always came up with reasons to leave class to go to the nurse. Often trying to go home and escape whatever gender binary lesson we had for the day.
• In middle school, I stopped eating. My lunches consisted of a chocolate milk and a 3 musketeers. My mom started packing me lunch. I would eat it in the bathroom. I still was eating lunch in the bathroom often into high school.
• At 14, I started smoking. I joined the punk crowd, where nobody had a label. I was with people with no gender binary. I started shoplifting, and became anarchaic. I was a declared atheist at this time, believing no God could leave me with struggles this way.
• At 15, I started cutting myself. One day, I took an american flag pin on my dresser and attempted to use it to cut my wrist. I failed. Shortly after, I stole a switchblade knife from a family friend's house and cut myself for the first time in the bathroom. After 15 minutes, I cleaned my arm and put on the fishnet gloves me and Ace wore together. It continued on to a time in my Junior year of HS when I passed out in the hallways and administration thought I might be high, so they had me take a drug test. In the doctor's office, while he was gone for a  rather long time, I started rummaging the drawers til I found the scalpels. I took one and brought it home. It laid unused for a long time, before I cut myself the first time with it. It cut deep. I hadn't thought that a scalpel was MADE to cut deep, so I didn't need much pressure. I told my parents I hit my bed railing, and while they should have taken me to ER, they didn't. I'll have this scar forever.
• Also at 15, I gave my parents my first declaration of future suicide. I told them I was suicidal and that I would kill myself. Rather violently. They yelled at me for saying that. I cried in my room for hours.
• October 23, 2007. My first suicide attempt. Started gulping down aspirin, one by one, followed by going down to the dining room, grabbing alcohol and downing the final pills with it. I told my best friend at the time. My first best friend. I told her I was sorry. She called my mom, and my mom came down and asked me what I had done. I was brought to the ER, and had to drink charcoal. It tasted like chocolate.

My point is made. Shit happens. Now, I am 5 months HRT, in a beautiful transition, and very much alive. I'm still depressed as crap, but so is the rest of the quiet world. These are my confessions. My truths. My essence. They give you a glimpse into me, and the confines of my heart and soul. Use this wisely.

*cricket*

Yes, I've been quiet. But it's for good reason.

I'm writing an album :P It's starting to consume me. Everything else has been crap, but I'm having fun with this.

Oh, yeah. I accidentally set Wendy's on fire. Fun times. I'll be looking for a new job soon.

So basically, keep on watching HugzTiem. My first song is up there, and there will be a new one tonight. And another tomorrow... And another the next day :D

Until I run out, basically. Awesome. I'm out. Love ya'll<3

Short little blurb?

I'm ditching the foams for today. Going back to my old set up. Just to see how it is. I think I can feel more comfortable now, even with smaller boobs. Besides, I already look like a dyke. It all works out.

I love how comfortable I'm getting in my body. This is all gonna be good

Breakfast!

I actually had it today lol. I was actually able to get up early enough for breakfast with Maria. Then we picked up juice for... experiments. Tasty tasty experiments.

This class is so pointless. We're learning about triplets. What the fuck. I'm a drummer. I don't need this.

I fell asleep to Doc Who last night. It was awesome.

I was on the bus this morning, and sitting with Maria, the whole bus got to hear about my advanced binding techniques. Your welcome, EE.

I hate my voice. It's my worst aspect of myself right now.

Oh, court yesterday. I was a smart ass and they weren't expecting it. It was great. They thought I was a bio girl and said "You know drugs can affect your menstrual cycle, right?" I said "If drugs can GIVE me a menstrual cycle, you will see me again VERY soon."

And I have to do 6 weeks of group drug therapy. It's going to be so pointless.

So, Demi Semi tomorrow. It's perfect since Ethan will be here. Then we'll go to a Thursday party, and he'll sleep over. I'll conveniently forget to mention I only have one bed. Hehe.

I'm so sad! Transgirldiaries.com is broken. Suck suck sucksucksucksucskjcusjcksajKLDSFKLADSKLFJADS. Silly caps lock.

I need to get it on.

I just took

the most incredible shower. It was mystical, and rather refreshing.

I haven't been sleeping well. It's hard to stay awake. I wonder if it's about my lack of E... Well, now my days til prescription day match the number of pills I have, so I guys I'll start 2 mg a day. A big step back, but it's only a two weeks. It looks like injectables are out of the question because there's no generic for it. Suuuuuuck. It would be awesome to have to only worry about hormones every two weeks. It's so hard to keep track of pills. I'm getting closer to days when I won't be using the foamies any more. I don't care that I'm really tiny. I think I'll feel better once I'm more myself.

I can't wait til She's A Boy I Knew comes in. I wanna watch it so bad. I might stream it tonight. It's hard to wait. Then I'll use the DVD for Section. Yes, my section is going to be watching the movie :D Actually, I think I will. Streamin sounds like a good idea, even if it IS more money. It'll keep me entertained for the evening. I might get some brower, buy the stream while I'm eating, then return to the room and watch. Maybe watch with someone if anyone's around.

Sounds about right. I love how far life is going for me.

I wish you the best

With a f**k you.

No, not really. It's just the song on right now. I love it<3

So, today. Good thing. It was a beautiful day out and nothing but goodness came out of today. My cough has let up. I was playing drums on the street with people for THREE HOURS. AND, they'll be here tomorrow (read:today) with speakers and tables. Oh, yeah, he's a rapper/producer. It doesn't get better than that. Hod so much fun. After that, I took a 4 hour nap. Best nap ever. I get up to go do homework and get takeout. One step outside, and the "Beautiful night" hit me. It was breathtaking. Today was truly the best weather all about, and tomorrow is supposed to be better. I am a very happy person. My wrists got a nice workout too.

Oh, and I found my ID card<3

Btw, I think it's moot since they're so big, but if by chance you HAVEN'T heard of The Gregory Brothers, check them out on Youtube. They're the ones who do Auto-tune the News. Genius stuff. Sadly, my computer is broked apparently. I can't watch youtube, nor make videos. Suckkkkk. Plus my webcam stopped working again apparently o.O

So, I'm going to get those other 4/5 hours in. Maybe I'll get up earlier and get a nice morning shower.

My Lord, how long has it been!?

I've been so exhausted due to sickness. Spent the weekend home. This is suck. My throat wants to die. It sounds like it IS dying. Spent the weekend in bed.

Happy Singles Awareness Day, btw. It's the day to mock single people such as myself. Indeed, it's like a double attack on me between today's holiday and this freaking sickness. Wonderful.

I'm convinced that any pair of headphones I buy are destined to have one bud smashed in half. The bud on my hoodie headphones got smashed while hi-hatting during a marching band practice. Whoops. I don't even know how my current headphones broke the way they did. It sucks since all of a sudden, my iTouch's speakers are majorly low for some reason, even on full volume.

Been drummin. Dark Knight. Went through the show on snare. Wish I had the bass music. I doubt the PDFs are still on the forum. Sucks. I can't wait til MB this year. I REALLY hope I end up on bass drum. I don't think I can deal with another season of cymbals. Sean's rooting for me. If I get Bass 3 the irony would be too much for me :P

My wrists are weak. But it could be because I'm sick. Who knows. I need some major chopping, and some bass lessons. Ah dun wanna be weak.


Tomorrow's a big day. Mazzoni<3 It's going to be one of the biggest days of my life. My transition will be medically recognized. It's the start of a long road. Rawr.

Oh wonderful, Wednesday-ful, Thursday

It's like today and yesterday are one big blurb. One big blurb with a very painful Jaycee last night. My chest was in a deep pain that was like, rawr. Kept me awake. I was late for GPL today. Which I hated. Favorite class. But yeah, last night I was like, supah cool. Kickin ass, taking names. Only I was chatting on a chatroom and getting phone numbers. I have made a LOT of friends on this chatroom. Ah like ah like.

So, because of these pains last night, I planned to hold off the E until my prescription day, but the first thing I do after I wake up is.... bing, grab the disk. Also, my throat REALLY hurts. I think I actually am coming down with a sore throat. Which would suck Rocky wise.

Speaking of, I had two auditions scheduled today, but they bailed for their frat, but told me they gave my number to a keeper. So we'll see how this goes. I need more people. More importantly, I need Samuel French to email me back. I NEEEEEEED those rights. This is turning into a disaster, but I'm tired of never finishing projects I start. It's time to do something right for a change. I might need to seriously water down the production, but we can DO it.

Frustration ahoy.

I'm just WAYY off his radar. Sucks. Oh well. My loss. :/ Maybe I'll give up. I just REALLY want to be pushed to a wall and have my neck kissed and waist cuddled. Or with my hands against the wall. It brings butterflies to my stomach lol. That's a weird thing to do that. I guess that it's sensual angst. Not even SEXUAL angst. I've reached the point in HRT where my sensual zone has moved from the lower sections to everywhere and my neck is begging to be nuzzled. 5 minutes can't go by without me being distracted by the thought. My neck gets all tingly and my stomach gets all butterfly-y and I zone out. I'm pretty sure I've made out with the air in public a few times. I know I've said this many times but... I NEED TO GET LAID. Not even to get laid, but just the contact. It's all I want.

Drug test next week. Fuuuuun. I still need to finish that paper. Luckily, I still have much time. I'm not gonna put it off til the last minute, but I have more important things to do, not that I don't realize this is important too. I have to have priorities if I wanna get shit done, and I'm CERTAINLY not getting the rest of my shit done. Intro to Music is like, back-of-my-head- I-don't-want-to-think-about it phase. Next semester, I'm taking 13-14 credits. I need to. It'll keep me on track, but it'll also give me some time to resolve myself and focus on my new dorm for a bit, which is REALLY going to be important for me.

It's weird not being into girls AS MUCH as before. Stressing that I still like girls, but it seems to be a power shift. Maybe it's also because now, there are actually good looking guys, as opposed to HS. Know what would make me happy? If one was in my bed right now. Rawrrrr. I really like him but it looks like it's impossible :/ Maybe he sees me as a boy? I dunno... I mean, I don't even care about the anatomy part. Like I said, I don't need to really get laid as much as I need the cuddle/nuzzle/hold-me-tight.

Kay, you can now divert yourself from this pre-teen angstiness and go back to your regular scheduled programing. So loooong.

*Yawn* much?

I need to avoid chat rooms at night. I got up at 11:27 for an 11:30 class. Good start to a week. But hey, I got a new friend out of it :] And FtM in LA. He's struggling. Super Tranny to the rescue!

Oh, speaking of, someone named Jaycee comes into a trans chat room loud and feisty. People were confused when I said I was MtF. They mocked and said my name was a boy's name >.> Gosh darn it. I feel like changing my name now, but I know I'll never follow it up. I do this every other month.

I feel bad for Dylan though. He's so scared. I've been there. I fell asleep on us texting. It was like 5 in the morning. Go figure, my evening started with waiting for a text back from someone and ended text someone new lol.

Games night. I'll be there and I'll be fawning. Duh. Gosh darn, I wish he'd text me back already, because I don't want to text him again and sound creepy. Well, I AM creepy, but MORE creepy. I'll shut up now.

Theeeeeatre next. This is gunna be FUN. Talking for 2 hours about the French Revolution :D I wish I was sarcastic. Marat/Sade, again, good thing.

Kay. Packin up.

The Island

  by Jaycee Wissner

There was once an island, far off in the water of the ocean, beyond any hope of doubt for those who fall upon it's shores with no boat nor vessel. One day, in the thin of the air, a lone girl appeared upon the island's face, a face quite small, quite scarce. The child looked upon the trees for signs of life or food. She learned to climb and survived on bare leaves for 8 years. As the years went on, her tugging and stripping killed the trees and they shriveled and fell. Why was she there? She could not understand. Why could she not deserve the dry land and warmth? 9 years beyond that time of famine fell before the girl's life, leaving her starved and broken. Finally, upon the distant horizon, a boat appeared. A boat so grand and spectacular, it could only be a beacon of hope. She took the shriveled barks and formed fire of it's wood. The light, being a source of distress, called the boat in her direction. She felt saved. Soon after, the fire died. The boat lost it's direction and headed in the wrong way. The girl struggled, but managed to once again light the wood as a beacon. The boat realized it's mistake and turned towards the island. In the night, however, a storm brewed. The waters of the storm smoldered her fire, and the boat tossed and turned to the mighty waves. From horizon to horizon, it appeared the whole world was under siege of a monstrous hurricane. Her world was falling apart. Unable to light the soaked bark anymore, she screamed and she shouted to no avail. Finally, she took one long deep breath and screamed a mighty shout that shook the world as she knew it. The dark clouds shivered at the sound and subsided. The waters calmed and the seas turned as if a lake. There was no current and the boat was trapped. The girl, seeing this, took of the mighty trunks that remained and lifted it up into the air. She took the tree like a large pole and stuck it into the waters depth. She twisted and turned the waters. Soon, the waters of her island began to reclaim it's currents. Rings of shifting water pushed from her island like the waves of a splash when one drops a pebble in a puddle. It reached the far corners of the earth, and with the currents back in motion, the winds began to stir. The boat was saved. It was now close enough that it could navigate to the island without the need of the fire to guide it. The boat stopped a few hundred yards away from the shores. The captain came to the bow of the boat and called in a mighty voice, "My dear! How long have you been trapped upon this forsaken isle?" The girl responded, "Seventeen years, sir!" The captain, as well as the commander, upon hearing this were amazed. "Are you hungry?" "I am starving and broken, sir. I stripped the isle of food but nine years ago." The captain heard this and his mind stirred. He did not believe that someone could survive for seventeen years this way. However, also having witnessed the powerful acts she had performed, he was tempted to see how true this was. "My dear, we have banquets of food on board. We have dry beds and clean clothes. We are a powerful ship and can take you to shore." The girl felt great enjoyment to know that her suffering was over, but she did not expect what the captain would say next. "However, you may not board this ship. Not yet. We will wait upon these shores for 4 years more. At the end of those 4 years, you may board and we will lavish you with food and warmth and take you to shore." The captain, in his head, was intrigued by this girl's power, and as such, he planned to use these four years to decide whether or not to hold to his word, or to take her prisoner and use her strength for his own purposes. "To show we will be true to our word, we will bring you but one meal to partake of now. Know that this is your future should you so wish to wait it through." The ship mates swam to shore and presented her with a three course meal. It was the most delicious thing she had ever partaken of, though considering she had not had real food for her entire life, this was not saying much. Days went by, as did months. Night fell one twilight evening and the girl decided she could not take it much longer. When she was sure the crew had fallen asleep, she swam out to the boat and began to climb aboard, While scaling the massive vessel, a rung broke beneath her leg, making a loud snap. The commander shot out of bed and leaned out the closest window to the noise to see the girl climbing aboard. He ran to deck and leaned over the ladder to berate the girl. He knew what would happen should the girl be found by the captain. She slid to the water and waited for the commander to fall asleep again. She climbed silently to the deck and navigated her way to the kitchen. The pantries opened and raided, she ate a quick meal and left the boat, leaving everything as she found it. Night broke and she was once again in her position on shore, the captain never the wiser. After a year passed, the captain realized he'd made a huge mistake. The boat was running out of food itself, and the ship's crew was growing weary of the scarce diet they were forced into. Unbeknown, the girl had twice boarded the ship for a taste of forbidden fruit since her last visit. Finally, with the captain watching from the bow, the girl stood and yelled to the captain "I will not stand this anymore. I have been here for eighteen years. I am going to board the ship now and you will take me to shore." The captain refused, "You will do no such thing. If you come near this boat we will not stay near shore." He was true to his word, and as the girl swam towards the boat, the captain sailed further. The girl swam back to shore, defeated. The captain would never truly leave the island, he resolved. At least not until the girl was proven powerful and he claimed her for his own. The girl realized she was beyond her time. The powers in her had faded, but she would not give away that secret. Suddenly, one day, she noticed something new on the island. From the ground, vines grew. Long, taut vines were making their way in neat lines where the girl could see, but the ship was blind to. In the night, the girl began to gather tree trunks and tie them tight. She dug a large hole where she could hide her project before day break. The captain never the wiser. Finally, after a year and a half of the boat's arrival, the girl had successfully formed a raft. Tested and perfected, she knew it would carry her to shore, should she find the right direction. The girl once more stood in the sight of the captain and called to him, "You are an influential man, Captain. You have witnessed my strength and my resolve to arrive to shore. Surely, you can understand, as you too would feel suffering should you be in my position. Now I ask not a response, for I know you have never been where I stand, but I tell you now, you will wake up one morning and I shall be gone. Should you choose to follow me and ask forgiveness I will board your ship and share my power with you. I will protect your ship until we reach shore, where you may prove your new found sympathy and I will stand by your side. However, you may choose to forget me and bring your crew members to safety before you believe you can trust my power to protect your ship from starvation and disaster. I will not blame you and will forgive your distrust, but it is not in the interest of my well-being to be starved myself upon these sands." The captain was shocked at her words and believed them to be a bluff. Surely, she would not survive the trip to shore herself. She would drown or be ripped in two by the treacherous seas. Should she be honest though, he knew what he would do. Of course, what other choice was there. He would protect his crew and still make her his prisoner. After all, as a master of deception, he knew he had the power to. Night fell twice before in the sands words appeared. The girl scrambled to the message and read it many times over "It is time to leave. The time is right. I will protect you with all my might. And should the waters prove his lie, the waters too will make them die." After making sure she trusted the message, she boarded her raft and swam off in the direction which pulled her. She knew this was the way. She was saved. Day broke, and the raft was not yet far enough out that it could not be seen from the ship. The captain, enraged, sailed the ship in the direction of the raft at full speed. The currents moved and shifted in their path, but he fought their pull and made his path in a dark rampage. The waters beyond their boat exceeded the waters beneath, and the girl's raft moved at a vicious speed of which the boat could not follow. Soon, the waters stopped. and the boat made it's way to the raft and was halted. "My dear, I agree, I have been heartless. Let me extend my hand and start anew and we shall face the waters together." The wind blew in the girl's ear and whispered to her "Believe him not, his lie's sincere, but die he not as you have feared, The raft you ride shall prove you now, as you bring it to the bow." The girl stood upon the raft and called up to the ecstatic captain. "I will not board your ship. But I will hold to my word. Throw me a rope. I will tie my raft to your boat, and you need not sail nor steer, for I shall guide the boat to safety." The captain stood with an incredulous look upon his face. Surely, she must have lost her mind. But wanting her to trust him, he put down his sails and brought down their rope. The girl brought the raft to the front of the boat and tied it's back to the bow. Suddenly, the waters churned and the raft began to move, the boat towed behind it. The captain in resignation, stood upon the bow and watched the seas unfurl before him. He had seen the shores before, quite obviously, and he now truly believed he shall see them once more with the power of this young girl. Soon, the mainland was visible. At this point, the commander threw the girl fresh clothes, of which she changed into. Upon docking, the arrival of the strange girl proved shocking. The captain was welcomed back to shore, yet the girl had yet to prove herself. The captain, when asked, would deny the stories of the mysterious girl who brought his boat to safety and saved his life. Soon, in the pub, the girl sat across from the captain, who felt himself defeated. "Captain, I owe you my life." "Do you now? I was struggling and you survived. With your power, you would have survived many years more." "I think not. The powers which guided us were beyond me. I have been without power for many weeks now, but now I will prosper. I want you to look into the streets. This extravagant town has it's downtrodden as I myself had been. I do not live among the riches as you feel I'd be brought to, but I live among those downtrodden." "Then how will you prosper, my dear? You are only once again among the poor, weak, and helpless." "No. We look as such, but we are not. Just as much as you have humbled times, we have the beauties. Our struggles are deep, but love is still no less than any aristocrat, nor politician, nor artisan. There is an elderly gentlemen among us. He helps us survive and befriends our young and speaks our name. But he is not poor, nor weak. He is a rich man from the high end of town who feels the pain we sometimes experience." "How so? Hasn't he not been among you, nor of your position?" "Quite the opposite.  When he was young, he was with us. Just as poor, just as pained." "But that is just one-" "That I speak of," she finishes. "There are others before us and they have lived a happy and joyous life. These people have escaped their lonely isles, and that is what brings them as one. No matter they be in the streets or the mansions, they all shared a common struggle. That is what frees me. That instead of lying to myself and abandoning my past to join the aristocrat I never was, I'm living the life that is the truth to the people who've seen daybreak on a shoreline of hope. Community. Love." "At first, I believed you to be a powerful thing, and I wanted you to be happy as a rich person to be by my side, but I really wanted you to be happy cause I knew you were struggling." "And I'm alright because I'm myself, and just because I don't happened to be as rich or high class as you doesn't mean I can't stand by your side." The captain froze, and as he looked into her eyes, he saw the understanding of things beyond his knowledge. And though knew not the struggles which lie ahead, he knew he always had a place in this community. This love.

~End~

Stealth

Now playing- St. Peter as covered by RestinginRaindrops. Beautiful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiBL0j6jpSI

Stealth. It's a very interesting subject. It can be touchy. And for cispeople who don't understand, think of it this way: Stealth is to transpeople as abortion is to cis. (Not to undermine the seriousness of abortion.) What I mean is that it's a HUGE decision that takes a very long time to decide. Or for some, very quick. For me, it's a very difficult thought. You all know my stance on my trans status, I would never wish to be born cis for the world. However, it's hard to decide if I should be stealth post-transition, especially when I'm such an outspoken person for trans rights/acceptance. Would I have to drop all my ties to these things? Delete every picture, drop off the face of the earth, change my name and start over? Do I want that? Do I want to be semi-stealth, where I won't necessarily advertise I'm trans, but I wouldn't deny it? Would it work to stand there 6' tall and truly believe people wouldn't know when word spreads? Should I fear the thought of being assaulted, persecuted as many must? Maybe the trans community should make an island, where we all live and everyone is happy and carefree. What about if I were stealth, and post-op, and were dating a guy. Get married. Would I have to act surprised that I can't get pregnant? (Actually, that would be a quite humorous scene, since I would probably burst out laughing trying to act like I never knew.)

I often dream of a time when I can be myself in a world where I'm simply a girl and nothing else. Then I stop and think about what that would mean. "Why do I have so many LGBT friends? Oh I'm just bi" "But you hang out with QUITE a lot of trannies... 6'. Wide shoulders. Big hands. Psh. You're not a girl"

How long til I'm post-op? Ha. Like that would happen anytime soon. If I could also avoid Anigav, I would totally take a Ka-Poon moment. (TGD reference, for people who don't know.) I can't WAIT for FFS truthfully. I'm guessing I'll need to save up on my own. Do it myself. My parents don't get it. They try and make me wait. Why wait? Every day I draw more and more into depression. Every day without a name change. Every day with an adam's apple. Every day with a guyish brow, and high hairline, and DIY meds (Although, that's about to change<3). I know they want to take it one step at a time, but sadly, it doesn't work that way. If I want to survive in this world, I'm going to have to do most of it on my own. If they won't help when it's needed, screw it. I'll go rob a bank. Whatever it takes to be me NOW. There's no reason why I should be stranded beaten and broken for 18 years, have my parents find me and then hear them say "We'll leave you in your pain and suffering for 3 more years before we decide to help"

Psh.

Marat/Sade

Good thing.

Though, it took me 50 minutes to get there, and 40 minutes back. Stupid weekend buses. The fact it's raining didn't help. Especially hair wise.

But I made it there, with extra time, and I'm glad to say I passed perfectly. Voice and all. Got no harassment in the bathroom and no weird looks. Good thing.

Headache soooo bad. Might be from the tight bun. Who knows. I was an idiot and forgot both my phone AND ID card. So I wasn't able to pick up stuff from the SAC after. Just needed some makeup stuff I lost. :P

Yeah, I've been thinking today how awesome it would be to go back in time and castrate myself. Though I was also thinking, it might not accomplish anything. Cause it would be at a time when I wasn't at terms with my gender identity, thus, the doctors would probably just put little me on T. Iiiiirony. Turning back the clock would be awesome. but I have to work with what I got. I think I may want to start a second job. Get more money saved up for surgery and the like. I canceled my Xbox live Gold membership and my WoW (temporarily) subscription so I can save up just that much more money. I've been looser about my RU money. It's not like doctor's accept RU express, and it's not like I can withdraw that money and put it in my checking account. Maybe I should start a savings. When I have enough I mean. Cash flies quick. It's harder to concept cash than seeing a number in front of me. Now that I'm not smoking anymore, I should have THAT money saved toward healthier things. Like getting my throat shaved into. Much safer :D

Stomach hurts. Headache. Other than that I'm doing good. I'm ignoring stress, which I'm sure is a HORRIBLE thing to be doing, especially for school work, but it's keeping me sane. My magic pills keep me sane more than my happy pills do. I do still need to get laid, but that's another story :P

3 Reasons Why I'd Rather Be FTM

No, this isn't an MTF rage rant. Nor is it an "FTMs have everything so much easier" rant. This is my honest reasons why I feel I'd be happier as an FTM. As much as I love stealing the TGD gag of "Maybe if I kill myself I'll come back cis" I'm happy being trans, it's just obnoxious being the short end of the stick.

#1. Having a way larger community. I mean, come on. 99% of my transfriends are FTM. There's a way larger FTM community than MTF. That's just obnoxious. I'm pretty much "one of the guys" with that stuff. Ironically. I mean, at least with cisgirls who are "one of the guys" in the cis community, you have the option of having those other cisgirls around to hang with. That opportunity doesn't arise for me. Luckily, my transboys are hot. So it's a consolation.

#2. I know way more about FTM issues than MTF. Like, I can get it better. There are things about myself where I'm like "Why do these situations even happen to me!?" There are a way different set of things to worry about, and I'm not saying that FTMs have less problems in transition, I'm just saying that FTMs don't get bitchy and dramatic about it and so the problems get solved sooner. (Even I'm guilty of being a bitch.)

#3. It's less conspicuous to see a pretty boy than a manly girl. Notice I didn't say easier to PASS. Just less conspicuous. Also, a short guy is less noticed than a tall girl. As such, people don't have as much time scrutinizing what they don't notice. I'd like to just be unnoticeable in society where I can live in peace.

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. And again, I would never be cis for the world. Being trans is just too awesome, even if transitioning is a bitch. I would never be able to see the world the way I do. Makes me feel like I have something special :P. Sometimes, I don't like seeing that world though. Cause it makes me want to find out if you have to transition in the afterlife. I doubt it. I know I'll be myself and I'll be beautiful. God is kind and he knows why we are on this world and how special we are. We will have served our purpose and will be eternally happy<3 That's not me condoning suicide *evil glare* Just so we're clear.

Flabbergasted

I am flabbergasted. Yes, flabbergasted. Because my meeting took two minutes and look at this [stands up and shows off clothing] I was dressed up and I was so nice and then my meeting took two minute know what...

This was just like "Tell me what happened", I told what happened and he was like, "Okay". No questions. [incoherent babbling] ehwa Why? That was the most stressful two minute of my life [[HA yeah right.]]

Hmmm yeah so, now that it's done, it's like, well, besides the fact that I'm now unable to get into my dorm because I don't know where my card is. ["Blah"-like facial expression] Um... which is nothing unusual. Ummm, I don't have much else going on. It's like tomorrow I have work, and then I'm going to a play so I guess that would be like a little be de-stressor until I have to [...] get up the next day and get... less hours.

I'm only working for like, 9 hours this weekend. And so, 5 hours one day, and 4 hours the next day. that's not so bad as opposed to working 11 hours.

[...]

Now the only thing I have going for me today is [...] class. [Going on about the weird class].

I went on in the video to let everyone know the link for this and EGGNOG. Go watch the vid if you wanna hear what I have to say about EGGNOG.

And I'm cool with cis. Go see it to find out why. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40HXiIDF9wA&feature=player_embedded#

I should probably gather up my library books from C/D before the expire. I took out a LOT.

My dad called as I was getting ready to leave. Good new Bad news. Bad news: There's no chance I can run across Jacob while I'm in Philly. Why? The good news is that my appointment for the Mazzoni Center is FEBRUARY 15th. Yes. In 11 days. Win.

Loggin off for now. But at least it's after awesome news :]

Website

Apparently I need to make one for this class. Hmmmmmm I wonder what I'll be forced to do...

If I'm not confined, I plan to make my TA as uncomfortable as possible >:] SRS descriptions? FFS pictures? Links to 4chan?

Naw, it'll be serious but fun. Well, in 2 hours I have to hit up Kohya. Let's see what happens. What happens if he doesn't believe me? Will I be arrested? I'll get him a drug test it'll be like "HA! YOU'RE WRONG! >:]" It's gotten to the point where I WANT to show him up. So glad he won't have any control over me next year. I'll be safe in the clutches of Jenny Kurtz and whoever Kohya's counterpart is in C/D.

Yes, we have a campus called C/D. I giggled too.

I'm hungry. Blah. I have to go put on pants, eat, brush my teeth, take my meds, then make sure I look hella good for this appointment. Post later. See yaa.

EDIT: For those who want the supplementary material to this blog, subscribe to me on YouTube: HugzTiem or follow my on Twitter: FixtheMixtape32  

I looooove hearing the word

Blog-fodder :P I love this class.

So I woke up this morning, and while getting dressed, I looked in my mirror and was like "Hmmmm curly hair for a while now. I wonder....." IT'S ALMOST DOWN TO MY CHEST! Sooooo happyyyy.

I'm so straightening my hair later.

It's awesome being able to cry so much lately. When was the last time I could do that? I totally evicted T and I'm never letting it back.

Oh, but I fucked up my eyebrows. I accidentally rubbed my razor over the center of my eyebrow, and there's a tiny short patch.

Oh, and also about this class, check out EGGNOG, my other blog for the class. It's eggnogtranny.blogspot.com. Copypasta. Too lazy to link. I gotchu.

Post later. Seeeee ya.

So I lied.

I didn't REALLY finish it. I got to where I saw where things were going and skipped to the very end. Now I'm truly reading it. The hardest thing is hearing Sage going against herself. Lying. Not done yet.

...

Still only almost there. It's not the way I want things. Where's the happy ending? Where's my happy ending? I like to hear Sage can't bring herself to do it but...

...

Every word has past through me. Pierced me. This is my book. This is Amber's book. This is Bri's book. This is Charolette's book. This is Claire's book. It's also Aaron's book. And Jacob's book. And Sean's book. I feel my life defined before my eyes. And I wonder about my future. I wonder about my sisters' futures, and the one's who've yet to be themselves. Hiding. Under mercy. Under sorry and grief and fear. Fear of the outside world, as well as the inside world. Holding on to every moment as if one second, you can be found and killed. And for my sisters' who have so much. Have the looks, and the acceptance, and the backing. (And the money). And only we'll ever know, together, and in tune, that no matter how far you go, how many pills devoured, and how many surgeries you get, no matter how perfect you seem, you truly will only be almost perfect. Barely perfect. Nearly perfect. Far from perfect. Never perfect. And people can say "Nobody's perfect", but step in our shoes, and see how you feel.

At least you can get to live in your own body.

Home

Home indeed.

Just read Almost Perfect. Yes, in one day. I'm mystically obsessed like that. I squealed when I got it.

I didn't realize it was a sad ending. Cried for hours. It's like I can't wrap my head around my existence. Like I'm an impossible being with impossible goals moving nowhere for no reason.

"I fail at life. Life fails at me.
Poor little transgirl hangs from a tree"

I don't want to be the middle age transitioner. I want to be the one who transitioned years ago. Not had to go through male puberty, not be 6', not have an impossible voice, and not have to waste thousands on electrolysis. I mean, my parents basically caused my to spend thousands I wouldn't need to spend if I had transitioned at 14, 13, even 16. They told me they're paying for my college because they don't want me to have loans and debt. Guess what? I'll STILL have loans and debt. They better not be thinking I'm gonna really wait ten years to get this done. I want to be 90% done by 21. ...Fat chance, but it's a goal at least. Maybe 23. Does that sound more reasonable? 

This is the only thing I can grasp right now, and it's slipping from me. Passing, growing... I mean, if I'm going to VOLUNTARILY go through puberty AGAIN... I at least want it to be worth it.

Grow a nice rack. To be blunt.

Speaking of blunts, I'm done with hearing about drugs and alcohol. I don't even want to her WORD about it. I just want to be able to hang sober with people who don't think I'm a menace to society. A transgirl to just sit with. Or a transboy to... cuddle with ;]

I'm a bad whore. I haven't hooked up with anyone in months. Not since... But let's not talk about that. Though, it could also be a milestone of HRT. A spiro a day keeps the boner away. (Not that I could get one BEFORE HRT.)

I hope some teen transgirls find this. Cause I know I'm not the only one who goes through the same shit and thoughts. I just wanna hear "Yeah, I get it", and I'll feel ecstatic.

Ecstatic.

Well interesting moment. Thought that no one would be roaming the halls so I walked to the bathroom topless since I was getting changed. Ran into EVERYONE. Sucks.

I need a cleansing of my soul. I had a talk with God like I used to. It was freeing. I have to apologize to everyone cause I fuck everything up. I wish I didn't need to cover my ass for real this time. I can't fuck up my life. They don't even know my legal name, so they can't find me fer realz.

I need a cuddle. I haven't had a hook up in a while either. Which is weird since I'm such a whore. I miss my Sean. I miss the cuddles.

I need to quit smoking. I smoked 12 today. 7 of which were at the party tonight. Yes, a Monday night party. And tomorrow is Hookah night. Of course.

Now Playing: Kim Petras-Die For You (extended version)

Someone save me. My bra hurts. I need to swap...... Much better.

Sleep time.

Sitting in class

Sitting in Gender, Public Policy, and Law actually. I love this class. Second class and I'm having fun. I mean, second class and we already had a Beauty and the Beast talk. Win.

This is the 4th blog I've started in my life. 2 of which I never made a post on. I miss my Xanga. Remember when that was the big thing next to Myspace? Then Myspace got blogs and everyone was like, Fuck that.

We're talking about masculinity today. So easy to make fun of. Next I have Intro to Computers and Apps. It's gonna be so hard to get out of this mind-set.

Getting ready for Rocky Horror. Casting is up. Magenta and Eddie/Dr. Scott have already been auditioned for.

I'm just splurging my mind. Speaking of splurging, I've been spending money like crazy. I don't know how I'm going to afford this production. It's gonna be so ghetto.

Have to put my laptop away to head to next class now. Logging off.

All I have to say?

F1RST P0ST!!1!