Good thing.
Though, it took me 50 minutes to get there, and 40 minutes back. Stupid weekend buses. The fact it's raining didn't help. Especially hair wise.
But I made it there, with extra time, and I'm glad to say I passed perfectly. Voice and all. Got no harassment in the bathroom and no weird looks. Good thing.
Headache soooo bad. Might be from the tight bun. Who knows. I was an idiot and forgot both my phone AND ID card. So I wasn't able to pick up stuff from the SAC after. Just needed some makeup stuff I lost. :P
Yeah, I've been thinking today how awesome it would be to go back in time and castrate myself. Though I was also thinking, it might not accomplish anything. Cause it would be at a time when I wasn't at terms with my gender identity, thus, the doctors would probably just put little me on T. Iiiiirony. Turning back the clock would be awesome. but I have to work with what I got. I think I may want to start a second job. Get more money saved up for surgery and the like. I canceled my Xbox live Gold membership and my WoW (temporarily) subscription so I can save up just that much more money. I've been looser about my RU money. It's not like doctor's accept RU express, and it's not like I can withdraw that money and put it in my checking account. Maybe I should start a savings. When I have enough I mean. Cash flies quick. It's harder to concept cash than seeing a number in front of me. Now that I'm not smoking anymore, I should have THAT money saved toward healthier things. Like getting my throat shaved into. Much safer :D
Stomach hurts. Headache. Other than that I'm doing good. I'm ignoring stress, which I'm sure is a HORRIBLE thing to be doing, especially for school work, but it's keeping me sane. My magic pills keep me sane more than my happy pills do. I do still need to get laid, but that's another story :P
Saturday, February 5, 2011
3 Reasons Why I'd Rather Be FTM
No, this isn't an MTF rage rant. Nor is it an "FTMs have everything so much easier" rant. This is my honest reasons why I feel I'd be happier as an FTM. As much as I love stealing the TGD gag of "Maybe if I kill myself I'll come back cis" I'm happy being trans, it's just obnoxious being the short end of the stick.
#1. Having a way larger community. I mean, come on. 99% of my transfriends are FTM. There's a way larger FTM community than MTF. That's just obnoxious. I'm pretty much "one of the guys" with that stuff. Ironically. I mean, at least with cisgirls who are "one of the guys" in the cis community, you have the option of having those other cisgirls around to hang with. That opportunity doesn't arise for me. Luckily, my transboys are hot. So it's a consolation.
#2. I know way more about FTM issues than MTF. Like, I can get it better. There are things about myself where I'm like "Why do these situations even happen to me!?" There are a way different set of things to worry about, and I'm not saying that FTMs have less problems in transition, I'm just saying that FTMs don't get bitchy and dramatic about it and so the problems get solved sooner. (Even I'm guilty of being a bitch.)
#3. It's less conspicuous to see a pretty boy than a manly girl. Notice I didn't say easier to PASS. Just less conspicuous. Also, a short guy is less noticed than a tall girl. As such, people don't have as much time scrutinizing what they don't notice. I'd like to just be unnoticeable in society where I can live in peace.
So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. And again, I would never be cis for the world. Being trans is just too awesome, even if transitioning is a bitch. I would never be able to see the world the way I do. Makes me feel like I have something special :P. Sometimes, I don't like seeing that world though. Cause it makes me want to find out if you have to transition in the afterlife. I doubt it. I know I'll be myself and I'll be beautiful. God is kind and he knows why we are on this world and how special we are. We will have served our purpose and will be eternally happy<3 That's not me condoning suicide *evil glare* Just so we're clear.
#1. Having a way larger community. I mean, come on. 99% of my transfriends are FTM. There's a way larger FTM community than MTF. That's just obnoxious. I'm pretty much "one of the guys" with that stuff. Ironically. I mean, at least with cisgirls who are "one of the guys" in the cis community, you have the option of having those other cisgirls around to hang with. That opportunity doesn't arise for me. Luckily, my transboys are hot. So it's a consolation.
#2. I know way more about FTM issues than MTF. Like, I can get it better. There are things about myself where I'm like "Why do these situations even happen to me!?" There are a way different set of things to worry about, and I'm not saying that FTMs have less problems in transition, I'm just saying that FTMs don't get bitchy and dramatic about it and so the problems get solved sooner. (Even I'm guilty of being a bitch.)
#3. It's less conspicuous to see a pretty boy than a manly girl. Notice I didn't say easier to PASS. Just less conspicuous. Also, a short guy is less noticed than a tall girl. As such, people don't have as much time scrutinizing what they don't notice. I'd like to just be unnoticeable in society where I can live in peace.
So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. And again, I would never be cis for the world. Being trans is just too awesome, even if transitioning is a bitch. I would never be able to see the world the way I do. Makes me feel like I have something special :P. Sometimes, I don't like seeing that world though. Cause it makes me want to find out if you have to transition in the afterlife. I doubt it. I know I'll be myself and I'll be beautiful. God is kind and he knows why we are on this world and how special we are. We will have served our purpose and will be eternally happy<3 That's not me condoning suicide *evil glare* Just so we're clear.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Flabbergasted
I am flabbergasted. Yes, flabbergasted. Because my meeting took two minutes and look at this [stands up and shows off clothing] I was dressed up and I was so nice and then my meeting took two minute know what...
This was just like "Tell me what happened", I told what happened and he was like, "Okay". No questions. [incoherent babbling] ehwa Why? That was the most stressful two minute of my life [[HA yeah right.]]
Hmmm yeah so, now that it's done, it's like, well, besides the fact that I'm now unable to get into my dorm because I don't know where my card is. ["Blah"-like facial expression] Um... which is nothing unusual. Ummm, I don't have much else going on. It's like tomorrow I have work, and then I'm going to a play so I guess that would be like a little be de-stressor until I have to [...] get up the next day and get... less hours.
I'm only working for like, 9 hours this weekend. And so, 5 hours one day, and 4 hours the next day. that's not so bad as opposed to working 11 hours.
[...]
Now the only thing I have going for me today is [...] class. [Going on about the weird class].
I went on in the video to let everyone know the link for this and EGGNOG. Go watch the vid if you wanna hear what I have to say about EGGNOG.
And I'm cool with cis. Go see it to find out why. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40HXiIDF9wA&feature=player_embedded#
I should probably gather up my library books from C/D before the expire. I took out a LOT.
My dad called as I was getting ready to leave. Good new Bad news. Bad news: There's no chance I can run across Jacob while I'm in Philly. Why? The good news is that my appointment for the Mazzoni Center is FEBRUARY 15th. Yes. In 11 days. Win.
Loggin off for now. But at least it's after awesome news :]
This was just like "Tell me what happened", I told what happened and he was like, "Okay". No questions. [incoherent babbling] ehwa Why? That was the most stressful two minute of my life [[HA yeah right.]]
Hmmm yeah so, now that it's done, it's like, well, besides the fact that I'm now unable to get into my dorm because I don't know where my card is. ["Blah"-like facial expression] Um... which is nothing unusual. Ummm, I don't have much else going on. It's like tomorrow I have work, and then I'm going to a play so I guess that would be like a little be de-stressor until I have to [...] get up the next day and get... less hours.
I'm only working for like, 9 hours this weekend. And so, 5 hours one day, and 4 hours the next day. that's not so bad as opposed to working 11 hours.
[...]
Now the only thing I have going for me today is [...] class. [Going on about the weird class].
I went on in the video to let everyone know the link for this and EGGNOG. Go watch the vid if you wanna hear what I have to say about EGGNOG.
And I'm cool with cis. Go see it to find out why. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40HXiIDF9wA&feature=player_embedded#
I should probably gather up my library books from C/D before the expire. I took out a LOT.
My dad called as I was getting ready to leave. Good new Bad news. Bad news: There's no chance I can run across Jacob while I'm in Philly. Why? The good news is that my appointment for the Mazzoni Center is FEBRUARY 15th. Yes. In 11 days. Win.
Loggin off for now. But at least it's after awesome news :]
Website
Apparently I need to make one for this class. Hmmmmmm I wonder what I'll be forced to do...
If I'm not confined, I plan to make my TA as uncomfortable as possible >:] SRS descriptions? FFS pictures? Links to 4chan?
Naw, it'll be serious but fun. Well, in 2 hours I have to hit up Kohya. Let's see what happens. What happens if he doesn't believe me? Will I be arrested? I'll get him a drug test it'll be like "HA! YOU'RE WRONG! >:]" It's gotten to the point where I WANT to show him up. So glad he won't have any control over me next year. I'll be safe in the clutches of Jenny Kurtz and whoever Kohya's counterpart is in C/D.
Yes, we have a campus called C/D. I giggled too.
I'm hungry. Blah. I have to go put on pants, eat, brush my teeth, take my meds, then make sure I look hella good for this appointment. Post later. See yaa.
EDIT: For those who want the supplementary material to this blog, subscribe to me on YouTube: HugzTiem or follow my on Twitter: FixtheMixtape32
If I'm not confined, I plan to make my TA as uncomfortable as possible >:] SRS descriptions? FFS pictures? Links to 4chan?
Naw, it'll be serious but fun. Well, in 2 hours I have to hit up Kohya. Let's see what happens. What happens if he doesn't believe me? Will I be arrested? I'll get him a drug test it'll be like "HA! YOU'RE WRONG! >:]" It's gotten to the point where I WANT to show him up. So glad he won't have any control over me next year. I'll be safe in the clutches of Jenny Kurtz and whoever Kohya's counterpart is in C/D.
Yes, we have a campus called C/D. I giggled too.
I'm hungry. Blah. I have to go put on pants, eat, brush my teeth, take my meds, then make sure I look hella good for this appointment. Post later. See yaa.
EDIT: For those who want the supplementary material to this blog, subscribe to me on YouTube: HugzTiem or follow my on Twitter: FixtheMixtape32
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I looooove hearing the word
Blog-fodder :P I love this class.
So I woke up this morning, and while getting dressed, I looked in my mirror and was like "Hmmmm curly hair for a while now. I wonder....." IT'S ALMOST DOWN TO MY CHEST! Sooooo happyyyy.
I'm so straightening my hair later.
It's awesome being able to cry so much lately. When was the last time I could do that? I totally evicted T and I'm never letting it back.
Oh, but I fucked up my eyebrows. I accidentally rubbed my razor over the center of my eyebrow, and there's a tiny short patch.
Oh, and also about this class, check out EGGNOG, my other blog for the class. It's eggnogtranny.blogspot.com.Copypasta. Too lazy to link. I gotchu.
Post later. Seeeee ya.
So I woke up this morning, and while getting dressed, I looked in my mirror and was like "Hmmmm curly hair for a while now. I wonder....." IT'S ALMOST DOWN TO MY CHEST! Sooooo happyyyy.
I'm so straightening my hair later.
It's awesome being able to cry so much lately. When was the last time I could do that? I totally evicted T and I'm never letting it back.
Oh, but I fucked up my eyebrows. I accidentally rubbed my razor over the center of my eyebrow, and there's a tiny short patch.
Oh, and also about this class, check out EGGNOG, my other blog for the class. It's eggnogtranny.blogspot.com.
Post later. Seeeee ya.
So I lied.
I didn't REALLY finish it. I got to where I saw where things were going and skipped to the very end. Now I'm truly reading it. The hardest thing is hearing Sage going against herself. Lying. Not done yet.
...
Still only almost there. It's not the way I want things. Where's the happy ending? Where's my happy ending? I like to hear Sage can't bring herself to do it but...
...
Every word has past through me. Pierced me. This is my book. This is Amber's book. This is Bri's book. This is Charolette's book. This is Claire's book. It's also Aaron's book. And Jacob's book. And Sean's book. I feel my life defined before my eyes. And I wonder about my future. I wonder about my sisters' futures, and the one's who've yet to be themselves. Hiding. Under mercy. Under sorry and grief and fear. Fear of the outside world, as well as the inside world. Holding on to every moment as if one second, you can be found and killed. And for my sisters' who have so much. Have the looks, and the acceptance, and the backing. (And the money). And only we'll ever know, together, and in tune, that no matter how far you go, how many pills devoured, and how many surgeries you get, no matter how perfect you seem, you truly will only be almost perfect. Barely perfect. Nearly perfect. Far from perfect. Never perfect. And people can say "Nobody's perfect", but step in our shoes, and see how you feel.
At least you can get to live in your own body.
...
Still only almost there. It's not the way I want things. Where's the happy ending? Where's my happy ending? I like to hear Sage can't bring herself to do it but...
...
Every word has past through me. Pierced me. This is my book. This is Amber's book. This is Bri's book. This is Charolette's book. This is Claire's book. It's also Aaron's book. And Jacob's book. And Sean's book. I feel my life defined before my eyes. And I wonder about my future. I wonder about my sisters' futures, and the one's who've yet to be themselves. Hiding. Under mercy. Under sorry and grief and fear. Fear of the outside world, as well as the inside world. Holding on to every moment as if one second, you can be found and killed. And for my sisters' who have so much. Have the looks, and the acceptance, and the backing. (And the money). And only we'll ever know, together, and in tune, that no matter how far you go, how many pills devoured, and how many surgeries you get, no matter how perfect you seem, you truly will only be almost perfect. Barely perfect. Nearly perfect. Far from perfect. Never perfect. And people can say "Nobody's perfect", but step in our shoes, and see how you feel.
At least you can get to live in your own body.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Home
Home indeed.
Just read Almost Perfect. Yes, in one day. I'm mystically obsessed like that. I squealed when I got it.
I didn't realize it was a sad ending. Cried for hours. It's like I can't wrap my head around my existence. Like I'm an impossible being with impossible goals moving nowhere for no reason.
"I fail at life. Life fails at me.
Poor little transgirl hangs from a tree"
I don't want to be the middle age transitioner. I want to be the one who transitioned years ago. Not had to go through male puberty, not be 6', not have an impossible voice, and not have to waste thousands on electrolysis. I mean, my parents basically caused my to spend thousands I wouldn't need to spend if I had transitioned at 14, 13, even 16. They told me they're paying for my college because they don't want me to have loans and debt. Guess what? I'll STILL have loans and debt. They better not be thinking I'm gonna really wait ten years to get this done. I want to be 90% done by 21. ...Fat chance, but it's a goal at least. Maybe 23. Does that sound more reasonable?
This is the only thing I can grasp right now, and it's slipping from me. Passing, growing... I mean, if I'm going to VOLUNTARILY go through puberty AGAIN... I at least want it to be worth it.
Grow a nice rack. To be blunt.
Speaking of blunts, I'm done with hearing about drugs and alcohol. I don't even want to her WORD about it. I just want to be able to hang sober with people who don't think I'm a menace to society. A transgirl to just sit with. Or a transboy to... cuddle with ;]
I'm a bad whore. I haven't hooked up with anyone in months. Not since... But let's not talk about that. Though, it could also be a milestone of HRT. A spiro a day keeps the boner away. (Not that I could get one BEFORE HRT.)
I hope some teen transgirls find this. Cause I know I'm not the only one who goes through the same shit and thoughts. I just wanna hear "Yeah, I get it", and I'll feel ecstatic.
Ecstatic.
Just read Almost Perfect. Yes, in one day. I'm mystically obsessed like that. I squealed when I got it.
I didn't realize it was a sad ending. Cried for hours. It's like I can't wrap my head around my existence. Like I'm an impossible being with impossible goals moving nowhere for no reason.
"I fail at life. Life fails at me.
Poor little transgirl hangs from a tree"
I don't want to be the middle age transitioner. I want to be the one who transitioned years ago. Not had to go through male puberty, not be 6', not have an impossible voice, and not have to waste thousands on electrolysis. I mean, my parents basically caused my to spend thousands I wouldn't need to spend if I had transitioned at 14, 13, even 16. They told me they're paying for my college because they don't want me to have loans and debt. Guess what? I'll STILL have loans and debt. They better not be thinking I'm gonna really wait ten years to get this done. I want to be 90% done by 21. ...Fat chance, but it's a goal at least. Maybe 23. Does that sound more reasonable?
This is the only thing I can grasp right now, and it's slipping from me. Passing, growing... I mean, if I'm going to VOLUNTARILY go through puberty AGAIN... I at least want it to be worth it.
Grow a nice rack. To be blunt.
Speaking of blunts, I'm done with hearing about drugs and alcohol. I don't even want to her WORD about it. I just want to be able to hang sober with people who don't think I'm a menace to society. A transgirl to just sit with. Or a transboy to... cuddle with ;]
I'm a bad whore. I haven't hooked up with anyone in months. Not since... But let's not talk about that. Though, it could also be a milestone of HRT. A spiro a day keeps the boner away. (Not that I could get one BEFORE HRT.)
I hope some teen transgirls find this. Cause I know I'm not the only one who goes through the same shit and thoughts. I just wanna hear "Yeah, I get it", and I'll feel ecstatic.
Ecstatic.
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